I have so many things I want to write about, but I just can't put them into words. I've pondered this post for almost 2 weeks. And my blog has been silent. That was almost the title. SILENCE.
Forgive me in advance for the wordy post. It's not my typical style, but I can't do anything but obey what my spirit feels right now.
I am... a work in progress.
I don't understand the things God is doing in my life, but I know this. He is working.
So many times I've sat down to address the issue of faith, here on my blog, but I just cannot seem to get the words out right. But now's the time.
Several years ago, God gave me a vision. A vision of our future. A vision of our third child, one of hope and fulfillment of His promises in our lives. He spoke life into existence in our hearts years before it was time to be fulfilled.
A few months before I got pregnant with Asher, I saw this same exact vision, so vivid, and so real. I got anxious, and excited. God was stirring up something in me I didn't understand. I was longing to be pregnant and have our 3rd child more than ever now.
In late June 2010, I had another vision. This time also very vivid and real. God gave me a date, a time, and confirmed the gender he'd revealed to me in the earlier visions. With this date in mind (March 15, 2011 at 4:53am to be exact and HER name was to be Kinsley Faith) I thought He was crazy, it was already late June and I'd already have to have conceived or done so right around this time to get pregnant and be due by then, and I just didn't see how that was possible.
But I believed.
And on July 6th, I took a test at 9days after ovulation and sure enough it said pregnant. (not everyone can get a positive that early, I just happened to)
So began our intense journey of faith. Derek and I both felt through this entire pregnancy He was leading us and guiding us to homebirth. We stepped out in faith and went with what we felt He was calling us to. We believed in Him. We believed in His sovereignty. We prepared to have a little girl. We gave away all of our boy clothes, and washed and put away all of our pink, girly things in the drawers as March drew near.
We had faith.
March 15th was on a Tuesday, and when I started having contractions on the Sunday before, I prayed, and asked God to continue to guide us and lead us in His will. I knew it would be a long few days before she was here.
So Tuesday came and went. And there was no baby. Um... excuse me God...??? What is going on here?????
But I believed.
Finally, during the wee hours of the morning on March 17th, I felt like it was time. Yall, let me tell you, even as I labored, I sang to "her" and spoke to her and encouraged her through the birth process.
I REALLY believed.
And birth was amazing. Derek told me as soon as he was out... "It's a boy!" And I questioned him, because ya know, sometimes things are swollen and you never know... "For real?" He confirmed it for me, and as I turned over to pick him up, I called him by name. "Hi sweet Asher" I said.
I'll be the first to tell you how in love I am. I am head over heels in love with this little boy. He rocked my world, in a good way.
But, can I be honest with you and tell you that I had to grieve? Not right away, I was too blown away by the whole experience of birthing at home and having a new baby and being absolutely smitten with him.
But as the weeks and months passed by, I felt a sadness, and I realized that it was something I needed to deal with inside of me.
I felt like God had lied to me. I questioned my ability to hear from Him. I questioned my relationship with Him. I questioned my sanity even sometimes. My grieving has nothing to do with not having a little girl. We are blessed either way. But I had to grieve the loss of the solid FAITH I'd found suddenly shaken.
There are days that it is hard. When Kyley pulls out something from the tiny little girl stuff I had sorted and put away... I silently cry to myself and wonder where I went wrong. For a few weeks in the beginning, when Elijah would ask about Kinsley (because that is what we'd prepared him for!) and I had no way of explaining to him how he would understand, it was HARD. But again I say, he is my WORLD.
I ran hard after Him during this time in my life, and I've asked many questions. I won't know the answers to many of these questions, but I can tell you this... He is working, and I am a work in progress.
I have no idea what God's purpose was for all of that in my life, but I know this. I passed the test. I ran hard after what He was showing me and I fully believed in His words to me, and I don't say that to pump myself up, but to tell you that HE sustained me during that time. HE gave me the faith to stand up to those who questioned me. and HE saw me through the time when everyone thought I was insane because it turns out, hey, he's a boy.
I ran hard, and He caught me in His grace.
I can't begin to tell you that this journey is over, I still have moments of doubt and fear of the unknown since that time.
Just last week Kyley shared her heart with me, and she broke mine into pieces in the process. She said "Mommy, I was so excited when I woke up and Asher was born, but I was kinda sad that he wasn't a girl."
Sweet Jesus, be near to her.
In six months, she'd never spoken a word of that until this week. I told someone earlier in the week about it and said, ya know, I am so glad she shared that with me so I know that she's grieving in her own way, but I could have went a million years without hearing those words.
God has a perfect plan, and maybe it's only to see my faith and trust. I have no idea. But He does.
I am a work in progress. He continues to shape me and mold me through the things I experience and deal with on a daily basis.
Yes, sometimes I will question Him, I'm human and I'm a sinner, if I wasn't I wouldn't need Him.
But I know this much: No matter what I go through I'm going to run hard after Him and into His sweet grace.
And in case you were wondering... I adore my sweet boy and wouldn't change things for the world. :)