Thursday, April 21, 2011

Admitting it is hard for me.

I've almost deleted that last post countless amounts of time. Why? Because I hate being vulnerable. I hate others knowing my weaknesses. I hate sharing that side of my life. But it's real. It's me.  I don't know why I have a desire to hide those parts of my life. I guess I've been burned before when laying my heart out there so I don't want to chance it again? Or is it because showing that side of me means I'm weak?

And just so I don't forget this one day... Today, the workers who have been painting the outside of the house, broke the AC again. When I went outside to fix it, I left asher asleep in my room, and the other two having a snack in the living room. When I returned a few moments later. I found Elijah trying to shove an entire oatmeal creme pie into Asher's mouth.  Such love, he has for his brother, that he wanted to share his snack. LOL

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Pardon me for baring my soul, but I don't want this blog to be only pictures and high points. I want to remember it all, the good, the great, the bad and the ugly.

Tonight, I'm overwhelmed.

My livingroom looks like my washing machine/dryer threw up. Literally. They are doing work on the outside of my house causing me to need to be home but not able to let the kids outside to run off energy. They were WILD today. I have a newborn. Who likes to nurse. And snuggle. I have a 3 yr old. Who misses being the baby. I have a 6 yr old. Who also just wants mommy's attention.  And dishes. And laundry. And bathrooms. And toys. And dinner. And lunch. And snacks. And obligations. And family.

I'm not going to lie. Today was hard. I've cried. I've wanted to scream though I've held myself together. I've cried some more. I've thought about all the things I'd like to say in anger (thankfully I held them all in because they were pointless, just me getting out my frustration). I'm exhausted. They've shown up at my house all week by 7:30, beating and pounding on the outside framework replacing boards and painting. The kids are getting up early but still not wanting to go to bed, and I end up staying up to get work done at night because I can't get anything done during the day. I'm sure that this doesn't help my frustration. In fact I know it doesn't. I get grumpy when I get tired. It's just me. 

In the end, I know tomorrow is a new day. Please Lord just let it be better than today.

Monday, April 18, 2011

One month stats!

Asher had another pedi appt this morning and I wanted to record his stats :) 

Weight 8lb 15oz (he was down to 8lb 4oz) (25%)

Height 22 in. (75%)

Head circumf. 15 (50%)


Thursday, April 14, 2011

28 days later

28 days ago I gave birth.

28 days ago I found out how amazing my body really is.

28 days ago we learned that 'Kinsley' was really 'Asher' (and we are so in love)

28 days ago Elijah became a big brother for the first time.

28 days ago Kyley became a big sister again.

28 days ago I was at home surrounded by my sweet family and friends.

28 days ag our lives changed forever


Thursday, April 7, 2011

3 years...

My first little man turned 3 on Sunday.


As a mother it's hard, (hello captain obvious!) yet so rewarding watching your children grow up.
I'm reminded so much of how short life is, and how precious it is.

(pardon the heaviness here, but it's my heart)

For the past three years, I've followed two amazing women (their blogs).  They probably have no idea who I am, yet they have touched my life in a  way I cannot describe.   Angie  and  Raechel have something in common with me, yet their stories are so much different.  I've been reading their blogs since their little girls (Audrey and Evie, respectively) were born into this world pretty much, about the same time my little Elijah was born. I remember how I felt the day Elijah was born. I should've been elated, and happy and excited, and I was to some extent, but deeper within I was bitter, withdrawn and cold. Not only that, I was mad. I was mad at God, at my circumstances, my life in general. If you know my story, you probably know why. If you don't know my story, perhaps some day I'll share it in it's fullness here, but that is not for now. Long story short, I was mad at God, because I was blind. I couldn't see my baby when he was born. I was devastated, hurt, and downright angry. Was it justified? Maybe. But life is so much more than that. These beautiful ladies showed me what grace looks like in hard times.  I felt like nothing was going my way, like the world was stacked against me, and here these beautiful women were, giving birth to their sweet girls, only to say goodbye until eternity. Ouch. How's that for a dose of reality to a new mother who is sulking in her own emotions. So, every year I celebrate Elijah's life, with a heavy heart for these sweet women, yet rejoicing for the grace God taught me through them.

I'm so proud of who Elijah is becoming. He has a passion to love. And he has a passion for Jesus. I love to listen to him pray, and sing songs he's learned at church, or even ask to say the books of the Bible (they are learning them in children's church so we say them and let him repeat and he's remembering!) Just this week Derek and I were talking about a few things we love about this age. I personally love the way he'll jump out of the doorway into whatever room you're in and yell "kerprise mommy!" (surprise) Derek shared with me how much he loves that Elijah doesn't just jump, he jumps and exclaims "bounce, bounce" anytime he's doing so. He is so full of fun and energy, and yet so sweet and gentle when he needs to be and I adore that. He is in love with his big sister, and with his baby brother and I couldn't ask for a sweeter 3 year old to call my own.