Stubborn

(for the sake of being real, I am sharing this. I pray my husband doesn't mind)

A few days ago, Derek and I had somewhat of a "disagreement"

Though it was more of a misunderstanding of sorts.

You see, I went out of my way, to do something for him that I knew he would enjoy.

And in doing such I still seemed to offend him because he thought my actions were something totally different from what they really were.

So I explained to him what was going on, yet he still felt like I wasn't being "honest" even though I was.

Yet I"m not here to say he is the stubborn one.

I want to share with you how I was so stubborn during all of this.

He went to bed that night frustrated with me and I couldn't sleep (guilty?) because I was so offended that he believed I wasn't being honest with him.

(mistake number one, i let him go to bed without resolving the issue)

So I sat up, played a video game and stewed.

As I slept (or didn't) and woke the next morning the Lord began to deal with me about my stubborness.

I would not allow myself to forgive him for offending me.

Nor would I allow myself to not be offended.

I fought all morning with this inner battle. Wanting to be mad at him and angry, but wanting to be godly.

Um yeah, in case you haven't noticed, those things typically don't go well together.

So, recognizing the voice of God, and reason for that matter, I began to actively TRY  to move on. I began to speak kindly to my husband and gently. I began to allow myself to be excited to speak with him or when he came home from work that day. I began to move towards moving on from being so stubborn on this matter.

All day long though, no matter what I did to turn my mind towards God, it seemed that Satan would throw something at me to remind me of how hurt I was.

I mean really, here I am trying to do something NICE, and all I get is a slap in the face.

(of course that's not reality, he didn't intend to hurt me, he honestly thought he was right)

 So, on goes the battle.

So, moving right along, this goes on all day, and my stubborn flesh just keeps wanting to let this anger build up and keep pushing him farther and farther away, but my spirit is so tender and wants mercy and forgiveness to be in full.

So, even when later in the evening I was faced with again showing my husband love and revisiting the very thing that set him off the day before, I wanted to run away from it. I wanted to just say forget about it and go on with life. But that would accomplish nothing. So I put on my big girl panties and said ok Lord I'm going to give it all to you. And yet, I STILL wanted to run my mouth and make smart remarks when he tried to hit me with something from the day before.

Did I mention that my flesh is STUBBORN????

And as I continued to pray, and realize how stubborn I really was being, God began to give me peace.

Now don't get me wrong, I'd been praying about it before, but most likely not in the most humble of minds.

Anyhow, so God began to give me peace and forgiveness for my stubborness in my heart, and I began to slowly see the anger and resentment fade. I stopped thinking about the fact that I was hurt. I stopped thinking about the fact that I felt like I wasn't trusted. I stopped thinking about ME and focusing on HIM.

And God said, write about it.

So here I am.

Holding my sweet little man in my arms as he falls asleep. Writing about it.

I want to tell you that God is real. God is forgiving and God is merciful.

I want to scream that no matter how stubborn we are, HE knows our hearts.

He loves us unconditionally and He can soften our hearts like no other.

Thank you Lord for softening mine and allowing me to experience your mercy.